Friday Night Is Movie Night: Do You Want To Play A Gaaaaame?
Yes, it’s a baby-faced Matthew Broderick in War Games…
0:02 - David Lightman??!?? Why don’t they just call him Vernon VDU and be done with it?
0:14 - That’s telling him, Ferris! Now go and steal a porsche! Did this film come before Ferris Bueller? I have no idea, but if it did it explains how they cast that role as this is essentially a floppy-haired Ur-Ferris.
0:33 - Announcer Man is being a huge perv here. Plus more action from Ur-Ferris as he CHANGES his GRADES by HACKING i.e. his computer is magic and can do anything. Then Ur-Ferris attempts to say one of his trademark ‘cool’ lines, but fails miserably. Ur-Ferris is not very cool - worth noting that when he metamorphisises into Proper Ferris, he’s constantly bitching about his magic computer because it isn’t an equally magic car, which helps to raise his game somewhat. Ur-Ferris still manages to get an incredibly hot girl into his room but it seems like good luck rather than good judgement.
0:44 - Announcer Man explains things to mentally retarded children who may be watching this trailer and haven’t worked things out from the incredibly obvious action onscreen. “He found the right CODEWORD to PLAY the game. The duck says QUACK. The cow says MOO.” Although I suppose in the days before illegal downloading people would be scratching their heads madly at this point. Now we’d just see him go and get some warez and the rest of the film would be a RACE AGAINST TIME as he tries to get the virus he accidentally installed off his system before Hot Girl gets bored and goes home.
0:47 - HOLY GOODNIGHT that’s one evil-looking computer. I hope it isn’t… ALIVE!
0:58 - Ur-Ferris picks exactly the game I would in this situation, and makes exactly the face I would too.
1:11 - NOOOO the world’s bombs are mere toys in the hands of a child who doesn’t understand the true horror of what he might unleash! WHAT A BRILLIANT METAPHOR FOR THE COLD WAR! Why not enjoy this metaphor with a cool, refreshing can of TAB?
1:27 - Presumably this is Ur-Ferris realising what’s going on, as otherwise this would be quite a short and depressing film. It might make a good episode of the Twilight Zone, though. We’re getting a lot of scenes of people in TEH BIG BUNKER desperately running through their protocols, which is very chilling for a child of the eighties like me, who grew up with the constant spectre of the mushroom cloud hanging over his head - it still is, mind, but modern culture makes it easier to be distracted from it than ever before. What would be more chilling would be scenes of an incompetent, oddly ape-like man who is unable to process language being in charge of America’s nuclear arsenal, but even Ur-Ferris couldn’t cause that to happen. Unless he voted Republican during the last eight years. SATIRE.
1:39 - Ur-Ferris is getting less cool by the moment - he’s turning in a convincing portrayal of someone caught in a mire of despair, but not the pants-filling sobbing and quaking I’d expect from a teenager this deep in it. Possibly it’s because he’s being interrogated by The World’s Least Threatening Man.
1:54 - This bit works on two levels - one, the scenes of this NOT BEING A DRILL are very scary, particularly that line about being VERY CONFIDENT, and two, layered on top of this we have Ur-Ferris clearly telling anyone who’ll listen i.e. nobody that the computer has GONE MAD! Which means the chances of a peaceful settlement are zero.
2:02 - Putting this question at the end of the trailer seems slightly redundant, unless they’re trying to hint that ALL LIFE might be a game i.e. The Matrix. Nice chilling finisher, though - this Evil Computer is one of my favourite electronic bad guys now, thanks to the Speak And Spell quality evil of his sinister voice.
So, what is War Games about, judging by this trailer?
Ur-Ferris Bueller is the coolest nerd in the school and somehow impresses Hot Girl, but he’s only Ur-Ferris and instead of stealing a car they sit in his room and play on the computer. And drink Tab. Ur-Ferris downloads some abandonware but it’s not abandonware, it’s an Evil Computer in charge of the world’s nukes! He realises his mistake and tries to get help, but Captain Moustache thinks he’s a red! Meanwhile, the imminent apocalypse rushes on with Evil Computer pulling the strings! At the last moment, Ur-Ferris types in a philosophical question which reveals that actually his struggle against the Evil Computer is itself merely a game played by higher beings! Earth is annihilated and it is GAME OVER, but the supreme overlords deposit another Space Quarter and Ur-Ferris begins his school day all over again in a disturbing finish.
(Actually I did see this when I was a kid, so I know that - SPOILERS - Ur-Ferris makes Evil Computer play Noughts And Crosses to teach it the meaning of futility. But my ending is better.)
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