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Re:Retro

Commercial Break Monday Says: Methinketh Thou Doth Protesteth Too Mucheth

by alewing on September 25th, 2007

Here’s an ad from the days when you had to be strong to play video games, for only the strong could survive:

They burned to death!

Yes, Rick thought he was hot stuff! But the readers of whatever horrible comic this popped out of knew far better. Rick was, after all, a bit on the flabby side, and his hair was presumably a bit nerdy even before it was shocked into its current configuration. His shirt was unfashionable and he was… ugh… a ginger.

And he had freckles. Freckly ginger chubbo.

So it’s no wonder he turned out to be, as the ad puts it, “a weasly, weak, uncoordinated nerd.” After all, he was fat.

Imagic are, to put it bluntly, a bunch of bullying creeps. They’re not the first to use the innate desire of children to humiliate and destroy other children to sell product, and they won’t be the last, but like most school bullies, Imagic only pick on those weaker than themselves because of crippling self-hatred. It’s blatantly obvious, even from the short description given here and the tiny screenshot, that Fire Fighter, the new game from Imagic, is utterly dreadful.

It’s essentially a ladder simulator.

The only possible way Imagic could distract from how feeble their offering was was to present something even more feeble in the person of Rick, the Nerd Who Dreamed And Whose Dreams Turned To Ash In His Mouth. Go on, Imagic, smack him! Call him names! Ha ha ha! Then maybe we’ll forget the turd that you’ve foisted onto the videogame world long enough to accidentally buy it.

The moral of the story is that bullies only say and do those hurtful things because they themselves are crying inside, kids. The other moral of the story is this:

IT IS DEATH

DO NOT BE WEAK FOR THE WEAK MUST DIE

POSTED IN: Commercial Break Monday, General

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